follow-up to yesterday

{If you haven’t read what I wrote and published yesterday, please do.  You may feel a little lost otherwise.}

Today is Tuesday, April 9th, and it is snowing.  A lot.  Outside it feels like -9 degrees, according to The Weather Channel.  Today is Tuesday, April 9th.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yesterday was Monday, April 8th, and it was one of the most emotional days of my life.  I also listened to Gold over and over and received a doughnut pan in the mail (wahoo!).

I felt scared, I felt exposed, I felt sad, I felt regret, I felt loved, and I even felt a little bit free.

When I clicked “Publish,” and then shared my post on Facebook, I was really sweaty, and my stomach was upset.  I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing, and before I knew it, it was done.

I had shared some of my deepest pain, the most frustrating part of my life, with, literally, the world (Yesterday my blog had views from South Korea, Peru, France, Bangladesh, and Canada).

By the end of the day, 114 people had read Pain.  Meanwhile, I was contemplating removing it.  What had I done?!

New comments and messages on Facebook appeared every time I logged on, and I was scared to pay attention to my phone.

I realized that I really just didn’t want to talk it about ‘it.’  I wanted to stick to the status quo, pretend like nothing was wrong, and move on (of course, the pain would remain, but everything else would stay ‘normal’).  Subconsciously, I think I intended to write what needed to be said, receive a few comments, and call it good.

Instead, I was inundated.

Bible verses were shared, advice was given, sweet words were spoken, tears were spilled (over and over and over again).

Every message that I received brought tears to my eyes – seriously. Which means I cried at least 29 times.

If you reached out to me yesterday, thank you.  I am overwhelmed by your words and thoughtfulness.  In response, we (my family and I) ask that you pray as we seek wisdom for our next steps.

My mom called last night after my Grandma told her about Pain and we talked about next steps.  I was honest with her and said I hadn’t considered any, because I don’t believe anything will help.  I mean, I’ve seen fourteen specialists in the past couple of years.  Everyone claims to know exactly what is wrong and how to fix it.  None of their ideas have worked.  We made a loose plan of attack anyways, because my parents care intensely about my struggle(s) and won’t let me give up on getting better.

Nothing has changed in the past day, except that now my pain is no longer private.  I am in the same exact constant pain and struggle as before, living life as normal.  I don’t need to stop driving or going to dinner parties or living life.  I mean, if you’ve known me anytime in the past five years, you know I lived pretty normally, and will continue to do so.

I’ll keep volunteering and looking for a job and travelling (two-ish months till ALASKA!) and going to game nights and baking more than I probably should.  I will feel more freedom, however, to leave a bit early if it’s been a particularly rough day or fight for a good night’s rest because my body absolutely needs it.  I’ll still struggle talking about my pain, though, because it hurts and it’s hard to deal with day in and day out and because I’m not used to all the attention.  I will hold fast to the love and support that was expressed yesterday and try not to feel so alone.  And look to the Father to provide all that I need.

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5 thoughts on “follow-up to yesterday

  1. I’m so inspired by your openness and realness. You are such a strong person, Shannon, and I am so glad I know you.

  2. Feeling hopeless must be gut wrenching. I am encouraged that you continue to turn to God through your circumstances. It must be difficult, but He is the only One who knows the beginning and the end. I suppose that is where our only confidence can be found. He is all knowing. He loves us. I pray peace to your heart through this season.

  3. Although it was difficult, I am glad that you are able to honestly share a deep struggle of yours. There is something freeing about it, as I have found writing about my past experiences. I think that this was a great thing for you and now you have the prayers and support of many friends to help encourage you in this hardship. :)

  4. Shannon your mom told me about the blog so I purposely looked it up to read it, because it touched your mom so ever much. I understand! I am glad that you shared this and I know with everyone in your life, especially your folks, you will find relief. The sympathy is the hardest to respond to, but just remember you give sympathy/empathy to others its okay to have it returned.

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