“I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.”
Sometimes hard things happen. And happen again. And then over and over and over again. Right now, I am in a season of this. It’s not fun. It’s not glamorous. And although I think that a lot of things that are not funny (take a stabbing, for example) are a little bit funny in a weird sort of way, this is not funny to me. And for the most part, it’s a secret. Not many people know what’s going with me; even fewer (okay, two people) know the extent of it.
For about five years, I’ve had headaches every day. Most all day long. For about three and a half years, I’ve also had frequent jaw pain. Brought on by laughing, eating, talking, and life in general. Every day. For the past while, I’ve had neck and shoulder pain. And more recently, back pain too.
What’s going on with me?
What I just described, and that’s all I know. All I know is what I feel and experience every.single.day. That and the twelve different diagnoses I’ve had. No treatment has worked, not even a little. One specialist even told me that I shouldn’t expect to live past 35.
Because of all this, I cry a fair amount. I’m not looking for a full-time job anymore, because I just don’t think I’m strong enough to work full-time outside of the home. The pain is why I go back home so often, as I’m receiving on-going care (in the form of the splint I wear in my mouth 24/7) for my jaw (and supposedly headache) issues.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what dying feels like…ever increasing pain, decreasing strength, and totally powerless to do anything about it.
I don’t know when or if all the pain will end, at least not in this life (see Revelation 2:14…I have great hope that it will end someday). To be honest, sometimes I doubt the Lord’s goodness. I wonder if I’ve done something so very wrong that somehow I deserve this, this constant pain. I question if I have enough faith, and if my lack thereof is why I have not been healed.
I’ve been working on this post for a while…in my head, mostly, for months, and then as typed drafts for a couple of weeks now. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to really describe this aspect of my life, but this is ‘good enough’ for now.
I have a very hard time being honest about all of this. I don’t really know how to talk to people about it. Usually I get emotional talking about it, which I don’t especially like (at all), and I don’t know how to deal with the sympathy either.
Some of my closest friends know a bit of what’s going on, but I don’t really think that anyone (aside from my parents) really, really get it, or to be frank, consistently care about what’s going on with me. My struggle is silent, it is private, and it is lonely. But it is real and it has changed my life.
“But as for me, afflicted and in pain –
may Your salvation, God, protect me.
I will praise God’s name in song
and glorify Him with thanksgiving.”
Psalm 69: 29 – 30