learning to let go

My man is leaving me.  Not for another woman or forever or anything like that.

He’s leaving for the summer.

I found out about a half an hour ago and it hasn’t really hit me yet.  I’m trying to keep myself from thinking about it, or I’ll cry and cry and cry.

He’s going to Bangladesh.

This summer I’ll be in Greeley, completing my internship, looking for a job, spending time with friends, enjoying the warm weather, and missing my man.

We’ve been dating for two summers.  And we’ve been apart for both of those summers.

Long distance relationships are not fun, especially when you can’t have any contact with one another.   The trip that the bf is going on allows him to send one group email home a week, as well as a 20-minute phone call home to immediate family every two weeks.  Which means there will be no contact between us from when he leaves until he gets back home.

I want to support this and believe he has pure motives in going, but it’s hard for me not to think that he wants to go because his best friend is going and because Bangladesh is where his friend/discipler moved last July.  And because he wants to get one last adventure in before he gets a job and ‘settles down.’

As he left my house tonight, he said, “You better get this single bug out of you, because once I get back, we’re getting married.”  I chuckled briefly and said, “I don’t know about that…”

To me, him leaving postpones everything.  It postpones an engagement and a therefore a wedding as well.  It postpones him getting a job and learning to live alone (without the eight guys he lives with now) and fend for himself like adults do.   It postpones us growing closer to one another.

Him leaving makes me want to withdraw and not invest very much of myself in the relationship, because perhaps doing so will help me miss him less while he’s gone.  I don’t want to get too attached to something that’s leaving soon.  That just makes the good-byes and time apart even more painful, at least in my eyes.

I’m so scared to hurt and miss him and cry, or at worse, lose him completely.  I’m scared that things will be different when he returns.  I’m scared that we’ll take so many steps backwards while he’s gone and have to regain a good deal of ground.  I’m scared that I’ll be lonely without my best friend and lover, my handsome prince.

Here begins a journey of learning to let go…from now until he departs, in roughly three months.  Dear Lord, hold me tightly!


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